Tuesday, March 24, 2009


CORPRISH- From the Latin corpras-bullcrapus, Corprish is a the name given to the language adopted by the founders of early American corporations. Corprish language is a close relative of the English language, but most consider it a mere "watered down" version English.
The cigarette industry was the first to adopt the Corprish language during the early 1900's. Early consumers of cigarettes began to develop what we now know to be throat cancer. Major cigarette companies caught onto this potential catastrophe rather quickly, they quickly learned that language manipulation was going to be their biggest ally in the fight. That burning sensation in the throats of those who smoked cigarettes was soon marketed as "that pleasant tingle" by R.J. Reynolds in the mid 1950's. This gave birth to the new language of corporate America now known as Corprish. The concept only snowballed from there, and the Corprish language grows by the day. Here are some excerpts from Webster's Corprish to English Translator:

English: "You are a lazy piece of crap, and you put forth zero effort in your position, two more discussions like this and you are homeless."
Corprish translation: "You are a valued member of our team, and as such, we would like to see you rededicate your commitment to the organization."

English: "Our product will make you sick, very, very sick"
Corprish translation: "We encourage all of our patrons to seek a well balanced life"

English: "You are a miserable sucker, we know you re complaining to get free stuff, and we know we can but you off for next to nothing. We are a multi-billion dollar coperation, and you are a moron... Go away, and don't come back until your next payday."
Corprish translation: "Please accept this small gift to show our appreciation for your loyalty, you are valued, and we care, please visit again soon!"

English: "We realize the prices went up, we raised them... We are a business which employs more people than you will ever meet... Half of which sue us any time they see a fast talking attorney commercial on MSNBC after hours... We've got to pay for these insane legal fees somehow."
Corprish translation: "We understand and care deeply for the pocketbooks of our patrons, however the economy dictates that we periodically adjust our prices to meet the needs of our investors."

Sunday, March 22, 2009

I must admit, my lack of dedication to blogging is nothing short of remarkable. It has been nearly two weeks since my last post. It was during a four day weekend when I thought "I've got time for this, it will be fun!"At some point, that four day weekend ended and the reality of returning to the real world set in.
I'm up pretty late (almost 1:00 a.m.) because I closed the restaurant tonight, and that always throws my sleep cycle out of whack. What a time to catch up the blog! Jen and I had a pretty good week, Jen was off of both work and school, so she did tons of spring cleaning while I worked. We got to spend some quality time together which is always extra special becuase our schedules don't always jive.
We also had the pleasure of doing a bit of dog sitting for the in laws this week while Jen's mom visited a very pregnant Steph (Jen's oldest sister) in Minnesota. Jen and I are so excited for Steph and her husband Travis, as they prepare to bring little baby Ava Page Armstrong into the world in just a couple of weeks. We are praying for them as they begin this new chapter of their lives.
More good news, Tuesday is my next day off and I have been saving up all sorts of sarcasm just waiting to be unleashed on this blog. In the meantime, please enjoy this show which Jen discovered this past week. I've never laughed so many times in one week...


Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Weakepedia takes on The Five Second Rule

In a last ditch effort to spare my wife one more second of my self proclaimed "witty banter", I have decided to spill out some creative juices on this blog. This afternoon I came up with an idea for a little piece that I would like to call "Weakepedia".
Weakepedia is an idea born out of an entire day spent with limited social interaction, and my slightly warped mind run amok. Weakepedia is my attempt at a sarcastist (one who zeolously embraces all things sarcasm) take on the internet's now famous "wikipedia". It will act like wikipedia in that once a post is made on a given topic, readers may request amendments to said topic via comments to the post.


BACKGROUND:It is most widely accepted that the FIVE SECOND LAW's origin was a conspiracy concieved by the powerful lobbyist group: Fastfoodies Against Tossing the Sneakerburgers Out, more commonly referred to by it's acronym FATSO, those who lobbied for the organization were colorfully refered to as "fatsos".

During the vast expansion of the drive thru restaurant in the mid 1960's, fast food chains began to see a sharp increase in product waste attributed to the rapid increase in sales volume. Most of the revenue lost was due to a rise in "sneakerburgers", or burgers which ended up on the kitchen floor.

FATSO lobbied Capitol Hill on the industry's behalf seeking to reign in the FDA's harsh restrictions on consumables that came into contact with floor surfaces. For a period of about 3 years (1964-1977) fatsos would be seen treating prominent lawmakers to luxurious drive thru restaurant dinners, and cocktails at D.C. area watering holes. It is believed that on the eve of one such night, a Fatso along with Massachusetts' Senator Ted Kennedy invented the concept of a "large sized meal" to feed their "spirit" fueled appetites.

FATSO saw massive gains in 1977 when congress was called for an emergency session to address the struggling restaurant industry. McDonalds was deemed too big to fail, thus laws were passed to stabilize the industry. Buried silently in the bill was the "Five Second Law Compromise". The original law reads as follows:

1.1 THE FIVE SECOND LAW COMPROMISE- Any food item which comes into contact with a floor's surface is considered to be acceptable for the sale and consumption by the general public, with the exception of food items which have laid dormant for longer than five seconds. Any item that exceeds the five seconds allotted by law shall be promptly disposed of.

With the signing of this bill, the five second rule became law. Over the years amendments have been made to this law; here are some of those amendments that are notable.

784.b - Two seconds shall be subtracted off of the five second count if any of the following situations apply
I. If your restaurant operates inside the confines of any high traffic mall (this includes "ped" malls, as well as enclosed malls)
II. If the food item comes into contact with a human foot en route to the floor (subtract three seconds if for any reason the foot is uncovered by a shoe).
III. If the food item is raw protein (subtract only two seconds for cooked protein)

1165.004.c -
The Five second Law is considered to be VOID, and any food item must be disposed of when any of the following situations are present:
I. If the dropee (henceforth to be defined as the last individual with possession of the item) has been convicted of any food related felony.
II. If the dropee is of excessive carriage (to be defined as an individual with weight exceeding 350 pounds).
III. If your restaurant operates inside the confines of a Wal-Mart, or building that was at any time a college fraternity house, proctologist's office, or Taco Bell.

Sunday, March 8, 2009


Blogger's Block - A period of time during which a blogger is unable or lacks the motivation to add to or update their blog.
Example: "For the last two years, Dave has suffered from blogger's block."

... A victim I am, indeed. Much has changed since the last time I posted on my blog. Assuming that I get a pass on my lack of blogular dedication, let me fill you in on where I am at this point in my twenty-three year journey.
Over the past two years, I chose to, proposed to, and was married to the love of my life, Jennie. There is quite possibly no one else in history who has received a gift that they are so undeserving of, but such is any gift from God, and she is truly that.
Throughout my life I have felt the presence of God in many ways. Marriage has been another beautiful picture of the perfect love, and the perfect plan that only comes from our awesome God. I am so blessed to have my beautiful wife to come home to every night. She is so loving, and so encouraging, I really have no words for how blessed I truly am.
Jen is a teacher at a Christian preschool and is in college full time nearing completion of her degree in elementary education. I envy my wife. My wife is the best at what she does. I realize that some may think that I am partial, but trust me, I would love nothing more than to be better than my wife at just one thing! With all joking aside, Jen was created wonderfully and uniquely for what she does and will do in the future. Children are her passion, and she gives of her every talent and resource to see to it that each child she comes into contact with learns and feels loved. For her, this is a passion that has been burning inside her heart for years, and she has eagerly, and obediently pursued that passion.
As Jen pursues her dream, I am bringing home the bread sticks! For the past year and a half I have worked as a restaurant manager. It has been a remarkable time for me as I have learned so much about running a business, setting and achieving goals, and managing people (aka babysitting). I work for a great company, and I am so grateful for the opportunities that it has provided me, and the invaluable experiences that I have had during my time there.
However, of late I have been wrestling with where God wants me to be, and what He wants me to be doing. This sense of urgency has been born out of some real truths that I have come to know over the past ten or so years of my life.

*This world needs Jesus.
* I have Jesus.
* Life is short.
* The longer I live without using the talents He has given me, completely sold out for him, the more comfortable the status qou becomes.
* In his heart, a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps.

Deep within me, all I desire for is to live a life that is reflective of a servant; all I ask for is His perfect will. Please pray for my wife and I as we have begun this journey together. The only thing this world seems to love more than a good love story, is a good divorce story. Pray for his hand on our marriage and in our lives.

...More to come...