Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Weakepedia takes on The Five Second Rule

In a last ditch effort to spare my wife one more second of my self proclaimed "witty banter", I have decided to spill out some creative juices on this blog. This afternoon I came up with an idea for a little piece that I would like to call "Weakepedia".
Weakepedia is an idea born out of an entire day spent with limited social interaction, and my slightly warped mind run amok. Weakepedia is my attempt at a sarcastist (one who zeolously embraces all things sarcasm) take on the internet's now famous "wikipedia". It will act like wikipedia in that once a post is made on a given topic, readers may request amendments to said topic via comments to the post.


BACKGROUND:It is most widely accepted that the FIVE SECOND LAW's origin was a conspiracy concieved by the powerful lobbyist group: Fastfoodies Against Tossing the Sneakerburgers Out, more commonly referred to by it's acronym FATSO, those who lobbied for the organization were colorfully refered to as "fatsos".

During the vast expansion of the drive thru restaurant in the mid 1960's, fast food chains began to see a sharp increase in product waste attributed to the rapid increase in sales volume. Most of the revenue lost was due to a rise in "sneakerburgers", or burgers which ended up on the kitchen floor.

FATSO lobbied Capitol Hill on the industry's behalf seeking to reign in the FDA's harsh restrictions on consumables that came into contact with floor surfaces. For a period of about 3 years (1964-1977) fatsos would be seen treating prominent lawmakers to luxurious drive thru restaurant dinners, and cocktails at D.C. area watering holes. It is believed that on the eve of one such night, a Fatso along with Massachusetts' Senator Ted Kennedy invented the concept of a "large sized meal" to feed their "spirit" fueled appetites.

FATSO saw massive gains in 1977 when congress was called for an emergency session to address the struggling restaurant industry. McDonalds was deemed too big to fail, thus laws were passed to stabilize the industry. Buried silently in the bill was the "Five Second Law Compromise". The original law reads as follows:

1.1 THE FIVE SECOND LAW COMPROMISE- Any food item which comes into contact with a floor's surface is considered to be acceptable for the sale and consumption by the general public, with the exception of food items which have laid dormant for longer than five seconds. Any item that exceeds the five seconds allotted by law shall be promptly disposed of.

With the signing of this bill, the five second rule became law. Over the years amendments have been made to this law; here are some of those amendments that are notable.

784.b - Two seconds shall be subtracted off of the five second count if any of the following situations apply
I. If your restaurant operates inside the confines of any high traffic mall (this includes "ped" malls, as well as enclosed malls)
II. If the food item comes into contact with a human foot en route to the floor (subtract three seconds if for any reason the foot is uncovered by a shoe).
III. If the food item is raw protein (subtract only two seconds for cooked protein)

1165.004.c -
The Five second Law is considered to be VOID, and any food item must be disposed of when any of the following situations are present:
I. If the dropee (henceforth to be defined as the last individual with possession of the item) has been convicted of any food related felony.
II. If the dropee is of excessive carriage (to be defined as an individual with weight exceeding 350 pounds).
III. If your restaurant operates inside the confines of a Wal-Mart, or building that was at any time a college fraternity house, proctologist's office, or Taco Bell.


  1. Dave, liking the weakepedia feature :) You do frighten me just a little with your "witty banter", but deep down I get it and I love it!!

  2. The fear comes from the Pastor's wife in you... You "get it and love it" because you are your mother's daughter. Speaking of Debby, her response to this post was...and I quote, "What if the dropee has recently visited a proctologist?"

  3. Among many other things in your young blog, I have learned two new words: carriage (as it relates to human weight)and dropee. It is my goal, call it petty (but don't hate), to use those two words in my vocabulary at some point today and attempt my best at calling you "Dropee Poo-Poo" from henceforth. Forgive the vulgarity I have already added to your blog - much more to come!

    Brotherly Love,

  4. "I made a poo-poo."
    - Dick Clark
    (New Years in Times Square 2009)