CORPRISH- From the Latin corpras-bullcrapus, Corprish is a the name given to the language adopted by the founders of early American corporations. Corprish language is a close relative of the English language, but most consider it a mere "watered down" version English.
The cigarette industry was the first to adopt the Corprish language during the early 1900's. Early consumers of cigarettes began to develop what we now know to be throat cancer. Major cigarette companies caught onto this potential catastrophe rather quickly, they quickly learned that language manipulation was going to be their biggest ally in the fight. That burning sensation in the throats of those who smoked cigarettes was soon marketed as "that pleasant tingle" by R.J. Reynolds in the mid 1950's. This gave birth to the new language of corporate America now known as Corprish. The concept only snowballed from there, and the Corprish language grows by the day. Here are some excerpts from Webster's Corprish to English Translator:
English: "You are a lazy piece of crap, and you put forth zero effort in your position, two more discussions like this and you are homeless."
Corprish translation: "You are a valued member of our team, and as such, we would like to see you rededicate your commitment to the organization."
English: "Our product will make you sick, very, very sick"
Corprish translation: "We encourage all of our patrons to seek a well balanced life"
English: "You are a miserable sucker, we know you re complaining to get free stuff, and we know we can but you off for next to nothing. We are a multi-billion dollar coperation, and you are a moron... Go away, and don't come back until your next payday."
Corprish translation: "Please accept this small gift to show our appreciation for your loyalty, you are valued, and we care, please visit again soon!"
English: "We realize the prices went up, we raised them... We are a business which employs more people than you will ever meet... Half of which sue us any time they see a fast talking attorney commercial on MSNBC after hours... We've got to pay for these insane legal fees somehow."
Corprish translation: "We understand and care deeply for the pocketbooks of our patrons, however the economy dictates that we periodically adjust our prices to meet the needs of our investors."
Our Story
- Dave and Jen
- Brought together during the stressful and oh so dramatic years in high school, we dated for over five years before I asked Jen to be my wife. We were married on June 6, 2008 at Prairie Lakes Church in Cedar Falls, Iowa. We are so happy, and so blessed.
Interesting, I was not aware of this language translation :) Here's one of my favorite examples of this very language:
ReplyDeleteEnglish: "Look, this drug barely passed the FDA guidelines. Frankly, you couldn't pay us to pop this baby on a regular basis in our own bodies, but let's face it, you're horribly sick and/or uncomfortable and you represent the way to a fast buck. It's probably going to turn your whole world upside down and really, there are going to be "side effects" that we haven't even thought of. Good luck with that. We've had our legal people come up with some kind of mumbo jumbo, written in tiny, tiny print that will most likely keep us off the hook, but who knows? We fully anticipate thousands of lawsuits and we've factored that into the sky high price at which we'll be selling this "miracle drug." If we were you, we'd be looking for other options, like smoking illegal green things and buying stock in Jack Daniels. But that's just us, the "researchers." Most of us barely finished college and cheated our way through pharmaceutical school and testing. You tell us who the "experts" are? Good luck on our drug. You're going to need it.
Corprish translation: "Some patients have found they may experience certain side effects, like vomiting, upset stomach, increased anxiety, and even incontinence, while taking "xyz." You should only take "xzy" while under the supervision of your doctor and should remember that all patients respond differently to every drug. "XZY"...the answer you've been waiting for!
...consult your doctor if this drug makes you want to hurt yourself or others...
ReplyDeleteI love it! :)